An exclusive interview with Joe Thornton’s penis
The Twitterverse was all a twitter today with a report that Joe Thornton would celebrate a four-goal game by stroking his cock. There were laughs. There was backlash. There were debates about journalistic integrity.
Being the enterprising journalist I am, I tracked down the main player in this story for an exclusive interview. So here is my 1-on-1 chat with Joe Thornton’s penis.
Me: So, big day, huh?
JTP: Not really. Kinda cold in Vancouver today.
JTP: The cool weather really…oh, you mean the quote. (laughs)
Me: Yeah, I’m sure when you woke up today, this was the last thing you thought would be running through your head right now.
JTP: Yeah, you’re not kidding, Dave. Well let’s see. Joe woke up at about 8:30. I was up at 8. it was a normal day. We had a good practice, a nice lunch. Then the phone started ringing and vibrating. That’s when we realized what Joe had said had taken on a life of its own. I just wanted to shrivel up and disappear.
Me: Did you hear Joe say it? Did you think it was going to be this big of a deal?
JTP: It’s like that old saying — which head are you thinking with? People always blame me for bad decisions Joe makes. But I have to tell you that wasn’t on me at all. I was just hanging out, minding my own business — I get uncomfortable around big crowds — and then I heard him say “stroking” but I wasn’t paying attention so I thought we were about to have our special time together. I wasn’t really in the mood, but when you have a wife and kid you have to find pockets of time to catch up. But it turned out if was a false alarm. In hindsight, Dan Boyle probably wouldn’t have approved.
Me: So what’s this been like for you? You’re a bit of a celebrity now.
JTP: As a teenager, you always think that you want to be famous, see yourself on the big screen, you know? If you had told teenage me that mid-30s me would be discussed by ladies all over the world, I’d be flattered. But I’m older, wiser, wrinklier and really, I’m not looking for this kind of attention. I prefer to remain under wraps.
Me: So are you mad at Joe?
JTP: Not at all. It takes balls to say what he said. I can identify with that.
Me: What’s next for you? Are you hoping Joe scores four?
JTP: To be honest, yeah, I really am. When Joe and I were young and first discovered each other, we were inseparable. We went everywhere, hand-in-hand, so to speak. Then he got older, famous, rich and suddenly we didn’t hang out as much. The ladies were great, sure, but like any friend, you just want to feel loved, you know? I just hope if he gets four goals that he doesn’t take me out on the ice. The crowd, the cold. I’d like to salute the fans, but I don’t think I’d be able to. Joe’s a stand-up guy, and so am I, but probably not in that situation.
Me: Is it tough not being as close?
JTP: It really is. He used to call me his “stick and hockey bag” but now when he says that he’s really referring to his stick and hockey bag. This has been a whirlwind for sure, but I’m glad he hasn’t forgotten about me. I love him. I really do. If I had the ability to score four goals, I’d stroke my Joe Thornton. I think this could really rekindle things for us.
Me: Fair enough. Any advice for Joe?
JTP: Yeah, stop squeezing your stick so tight.